Monday, April 26, 2010

Magical Trails

So this weekend I was out riding my bike. (I know, imagine that)
As I rode I discovered these sweet new switch backs above the Bonneville Shoreline trail north of Dry Canyon. They were quite fun. As I rode I noticed something rather odd:

Alongside the trail there were several magical elves with tiny hoes, shovels, and picks working on the trail!

I'll admit, I was a little weirded out at first. I mean when's the last time anybody even saw a real live elf, other than on the package of those sweet little EL Fudge Keebler Elf cookies? (And those are merely an artist's depiction of how they might look)

So yeah, it was weird. After a while I even noticed they were repairing the trail behind me, filling in skid marks and brake ruts left behind by my careless riding style. I was absolutely amazed. When I finished the little loop I decided to find out a little more.

Fortunately, for my arts and letters credit at the Brigham Young Institute of College Education and Higher Learning and Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too I took an Elf language class.

(Elves don't speak English. So if you wanted to, I don't know, prosecute one for illegally building trails, you'd need to find a certified translator. And most of them are Obama supporting democrats.)

So I asked one what they were doing. He said "Building sweet trails so everybody can come enjoy this beautiful scenery while getting healthy exercise"

I was amazed at his answer. He continued, "Rising obesity is costing our country $344 Billion a year in health care related costs. If everyone in Utah county would just ride our trails once a day, they would burn 500 calories. They would lose a pound of fat a week, 50 in a year!"

I was dumbfounded. I then asked if they had a building permit to be digging up the grass, tearing down all the weeds and brush, and basically destroying an entire ecosystem of life. He said that no, they did not, but that some poor guy named Benny was getting all the wrap from the feds for building the trails.

I got mad and squashed him with my foot. His magical little hat and tiny little hoe are still stuck between the cleats on my Sidis. Little boogers.


anna. said...

i always forget how awesome your stories are until i hear another one.

nails said...

And because Dan's words shall hiss forth—many of the fat dems shall say: A trail! A trail! We have got a trail, and there cannot be any more trail.

But thus saith Dan, and Benny: O fools, they shall have a trail; and it shall proceed forth from the environmentalist.

Thou fool, that shall say: A trail, we have got a trail, and we need no more trail. Have ye obtained a trail save it were by the conservationist?

Know ye not that there are more hills than one?

KC said...


Keith said...

I think we should issue everyone elf hats so that when the secret police come they won't know the difference between those building the trails and those who just 'look' like trail builders. BTW I think the horses have squashed more elves that you ever could manage to with even both of your Sidis.