Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Super Powers

I have a confession to make. I, Daniel Nelson, have super powers.

After years of attempting to conceal them, I have made the bold decision to come out of the phone booth (yes, that was a lame attempt at a joke. Don't worry, mature humor is NOT one of my super powers)

This may come as a shock to most of you, but to those of you who know me well, this may be no surprise.

Now, I realize that by going public with this I may only be putting those close to me in danger, but I am prepared to face any consequences that come with my enemies finding out about my super powers.

So here they are, in order of coolness, my super powers:

Invisibility

Yes, believe it or not I can actually turn invisible. I have the ability to be completely unseen. While I have absolutely no control over which moments this happens, I am absolutely positive that there are times I am completely unseen to the natural world.

Case and point. Last week as I rode my bike through Payson, UT, I was almost hit by no less than 84 cars in a single 3 mile stretch. The only explanation for this is that light photons MUST have been passing through my physical body instead of reflecting off, preventing any of the drivers from actually seeing me.

But alas, I have no control over this ability. (Trust me, if I did, I'd spend my time doing much more amusing things than writing about it on a blog) It comes with no warning, and oddly enough, pretty much only when I am on my bike around cars.

Feet in Mouth-ability

Now this one's a real doozy. I can figuratively (not literally, that would be disgusting) fit BOTH my feet in my mouth, at the same time. Yes, it's true. I have the ability to not only say things in public that are moderately embarrassing, but more often than not I do not stop there, I keep going and get the other foot in my mouth, AT THE SAME TIME!

You might imagine this would be slightly socially awkward for me, and, well, yeah, it is.

Statements like:

"Hey, I didn't know you were pregnant"

Followed by comments like:

"Oh, you're not. Well maybe you should get back into that exercise program you were on. Sears has stair steppers on sale this weekend..."

Are pretty much what do it for me. You'd think I'd learn by now. But I don't.

Procrastination

This, perhaps, is actually my strongest power. No matter what it is I have to, or should be doing, I can manage a way to rationalize out of it to do something more amusing. (If I could only control that invisibility thing I don't think I'd ever get anything done...)

For example, right now at this moment, I should be studying for a test I have this afternoon, but no, I am writing a blog on how good I am at not studying for tests I have in the afternoons.

Ironic, I know. Sad, but true.

I can literally find almost ANYTHING to do instead of work that needs to get done. My room gets insanely clean during finals week, because even cleaning my room is more appealing than studying for finals. (If you saw my room any other time you would wonder if "clean" was a status even achievable by such the mess it gets to be)

I can recall nights spent making diet coke and mentos rockets in parking lots, as opposed to studying, rigorous YouTube critiquing instead of reading for class, or wrapping and re-wrapping handlebar tape on my bike while I should have been writing a talk for church. Yup, bone-a-fide procrastinator here.

Well, so there is my confession. Let it bring what may. I hope it doesn't change your opinion of me. I'm still the same guy I was 15 minutes ago, you just know more about me now. Don't judge. If you do, I'll turn invisible and rob your house...if I ever get around to it.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always knew you had super powers!!

Amberlyn said...

You're funny write more stories please!

austinmcraig said...

Wow. Invisibility? That's like one of the coolest super powers! Maybe you just need to learn to control it. That's what Superman had to do. I think LOTS of super heroes have to learn to control their abilities. That's one of the recurring motifs of comic books and super hero movies.

Unknown said...

so this explains your geeky side too then....

...oh snap.

LA GUERA SALSERA said...

Oh golly, not only was I caught in the act of reading your blog....utterly embarrassing...but now I make four out of the five comments girls! However, out of due respect for my own newly established blog...I now know the need and joy of receiving commentary. Oh yes, you cannot deny the fact that you thrive, (as do I), on the external validation that you are indeed funny. I can not attest to the fact you are invisible, fitting two feet in your mouth...yes, I think I can attest to this super power :) But I think I win hands down on procrastination! and yes...it is a super power or at least a talent as I put it.