Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Morning Routine

Warning: This post is kinda long. You might want to break it up into different readings...

Just in case, on the off chance, anyone was wondering, "Just what exactly does Dan do every morning?"
Well I'll tell you.

First off, my alarm does a great job of abruptly jolting me from any kind of pleasant dream I may have been having. (Even mediocre dreams are better than this pathetic lonely life I lead)

Depending on the day, it's either Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" or Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone" that rings from my alarm and does the deed of killing Dan's slumber time.

After anywhere from 2 to 175 snooze button's later, I drag myself out of my queen size bed. (despite the significantly larger size of the bed, I've spent the previous 26 years of my existence cramped up on sleeping areas ranging in size from a twin to a futon to a couch; needless to say I only use approximately 24% of the total surface area of the queen bed as I sleep curled up in the fetal position)

Now, depending on exactly how many snoozes were utilized, I typically pack up everything I will need for school into my fatty 2000 cubic inches messenger bag. It is made by Chrome bags and is the sturdiest thing ever made. I would recommend one to everyone. Go here to see how spiffy they are.

My first class is either at 8:00 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, or 9:00 on Mon, Wed, Fri. This is why I have two distinct ringtones.

In the confusion and haze of the early hour, I can never remember what day it is. So to make it easier for my pre-conscious mind to figure out when exactly I have to get up, I have a system:

Kelly Clarkson is the Musical White Female, (she rings on Mon, Wed, Fri) and Beyonce is Too Thin, (Tues, Thurs). In this way I already know what's ahead before I'm even conscious enough to realize I'm trying to roll out of bed into the wall...

So on a typical Monday, I try to get up at 7:30. This gives me time to get all my clothes packed in my bag for school, eat a nutritious breakfast of oatmeal and fruit, shower, shave, and sit around and complain about work/school with my roommate and discuss how much better life would be if everyone just rode bikes around instead of going to work.

I leave for class at 8:30, which gives me 15 minutes for the 3.7 mile bike ride to work and 15 minutes to change once I get there. This, however, is all theoretical. In reality it goes like this:

7:30:00 Kelly begins her 1st love serenade to me

7:30:01 I hit snooze for the 1st time

7:30:09 I'm asleep again already, dreaming of punching Kelly in the kidney much the same way I did to my alarm 8 seconds earlier

7:39:00 Round 2 of alarm singing

7:39:01 Round 2 of snooze button bashing

7:39:09 Round 2 of snooze sleep

The above outlined cycle repeats itself approximately 6-7 more times until I realize it is 8:30; the time I should be leaving for class. I gather together what I can in a rush, fit as many egg sandwiches I can in ziploc bags, throw on some warm clothes for the commute, and rush out the door.

I typically get a text a few minutes after 9:00 as I am usually halfway through my commute from a certain concerned classmate wondering where I am. There are only 4 people in my first class, so it's hard to inconspicuously slip in late...but you can't hate me for trying.

Now, here is the real reason I even started this post. Everyday as I walk into my office, the first thing I do is move the garbage can over and put my bike against the wall. This may seem insignificant to anyone reading this, but I have to move the garbage can EVERYDAY.

Every morning I come in and the garbage can is right there. However, that spot doesn't work for me.
So I move it to here. But every morning I come in and it has moved back to its original spot.

That means that at some point after I leave for the night, someone is moving it back. Now I have my suspicions, and I don't want to jump to any rash conclusions, but I am almost certain it is either a small tribe of miniature gnomes that live under the empty desk, or the nighttime custodial crew.

Either way, the only thing I can think of each morning as I have to move the garbage can back to where I left it when I left is: "Why?"

Now if it is in fact the mischievous gnomes, then it makes sense. Their entire existence is based upon annoying me. Well, gnomes, keep it up. You're fulfilling the purpose of your existence very well.

On the other hand, if it is the nighttime custodial I can't help but wonder why. Not that I (in my completely finite comprehension of the universe) could ever understand something as mysterious as why the custodial crew moves my trash can from where I put it everyday, I have tried.

I would think that the people who use an office day in and day out would know where they like their trash receptacles, but, apparently, custodial knows something I do not, and that is why they move my trash every night. And here are the best possible reasons I could come up with:

1) That garbage can "belongs" against the wall. It is its home. By me moving it away from its home, I am disrupting the very home-life social circle it contributes to.

2) There is some unwritten (or written in a very obscure place like the janitors closet) law that wherever a janitor puts something is where it is "meant" to be and I am challenging their authority as a steward of that building by deciding myself where that can should go.

3) The can is covering a hole in the wall leading to a Fraggle village. (Go here to see what a Fraggle is) (Go here to see them on YouTube)

4) The rotation of the earth speeds up at night just enough so that the garbage can can't keep up and slides back up against the wall. (I'll test this one by putting velcro on the bottom of the trash can this week)

5) I am just going senile in my old age and move it back myself each night as I leave....(Nawwww....)

Anyway, the point of this whole post is why does my garbage can get put back to the same place every night after I move it???

I am planning further testing to determine the limits of this mysterious nighttime relocation. I actually hid the can under the empty desk tonight as I left.

Tomorrow, I am going to put it all the way across the room next to the one by the door. I'll mark it with a sticker to see if the same one gets put back by the wall.

I'm even planning a night where I put it in a completely different room. I am determined to see just how determined this janitor is to making sure there is a garbage can against my wall.

Next week I am going to start throwing away the exact same things everyday in an attempt to confuse said janitor into wondering if he/she is experiencing dejavu, or just going crazy.

(Yeah, and its not going to be normal things, it'll be totally obscure items like old bike parts, tree branches, the same book, the same picture of me with Hillary Clinton, and the same hair brush, everyday)

(Don't ask where I am going to get 5 of each of those things to throw away day after day, but I will, and it will be amusing, this janitor is going to flip his lid)

Anyway, I'm off. I have some research to do...


Anonymous said...
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Chad said...

Dan, I noticed that your ‘office’ is in fact a cube farm. Therefore you must have neighbors that have their own garbage cans. I suggest you take yours and throw it in the dumpster. Then just use your neighbors’ cans. This won’t just solve your problem with the gnomes, it will make you more conscientious of how much you throw away, and it will give you another reason to interact with your office mates, which just might improve your social life.


Unknown said...

Dan, Dan your blog got spammed! Hey...that rhymes.


Well, you scough when I ask if you dance in the apartment when you're the only one home...(as if that is like totally weird??)...but you do listen to Kelly and Beyonce! This makes me happy for some reason? I'm totally intrigued that you have different ring tones for different mornings. Personally I think it is probably a bunch of hog wash and doesn't really affect anything...however I often find myself panicked to quickly recall what day it is and what I should be doing. However this is usually after I have slept through the alarm or on Saturdays and Sundays. Okay sorry, I realized my comments are like turning into personal blog posts on your page. In short...I liked the post and I am curious to find out how the experimentation goes. PS- I expect some commentary on my own blog in the future...as I already explained, I have a psychological need for it :)

Faceless Ghost said...

I hate to point out the obvious, but do you think that janitor moves the trash can because it's in the way of that big drawer under your desk?

Amberlyn said...

I love that you have two pictures of your office where the only difference is the placement of the trash can... Why don't you just leave a note for the custodian/miniature gnomes asking them not to move your trash can?

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kirsten and josh said...

i loved this post... probably my favorite. i am ready to record songs for you to wake up to on saturday and sunday... enough of this beyonce and kelly clarkson stuff... give me a break. i thought we were over them dear. 15 days... thank heaven above.

The Nelson Family said...

Hey there. If you don't know, this is not one of your lovely girl admirers, but your lovely sister! I do have to say that your posts kind of remind me of Brad's and I love reading them. I'm a snooze user as well, but unfortunately Jane does not have a snooze button, so we're up whether we are ready to be or not. I cant wait till you have an alarm without a snooze button of your own :) Love ya! Cam

Megan said...

Dan. I was looking through my Facebook friends to see who has blogs and I found yours. You're a great writer, always have been. Hope you don't mind that I'm adding you to my blog, I'd like to check-up here every now and again, if not just for a good laugh.

Oh..this Megan (formally Haskett).

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